To all that loved Christy,

I've been hesitating to write or post, in reality, I think I'm probably 'hiding out' and trying to deal with this loss however I can. But I think I need to break the silence a bit, so I will begin this new post.
I has been almost 5 months since her death, but seems like a lifetime. I'm still struggling with all of this and seem to go through all of the grief stages in varying degrees. Some days it feels like I'm moving backwards. There are so many stories to tell, so many things that come to memory. I was blessed by being able to continue our friendship through separation, life changes, stress, joy, reunions, email, the Sundown website, get-togethers and weekly IM sessions. She was so engrained in my life the past few years, it felt like high school again. I think we all beat ourselves up with the times we've taken for granted and the good times that come our way now that we can't share with her.

I still can't believe that she is gone. I'm the type of person that wants to make sense of it all and know 'why' and it can't be done- I only convince myself part of the way. The rest, I have to take on faith or hope that it won't always be so painful. In reality, it takes time to sort it out and endure, even though I've tried every tactic to avoid the pain. Her name still resides on my cell phone, email book, address, IM list and I don't know when I'm be ready to take them off, maybe I never will. It seems like a simple reminder that she is there, somewhere. Part of the reason that I created this site with Jim is so it could be a place to remember her, find some comfort (or perhaps bring out some emotions to deal with) and collect memories and pictures for her girls. While they are young and adjusting to life without her with lots of love around them, I know they will someday want to read about their mom and be able to connect where they got some of those great qualities :-)

Nothing can fill this hole in my life and perhaps nothing is supposed to. Acceptance, however, is far away. I look at her girls now and feel both pain and joy. I see Christy's smile, laugh and mannerisms. Painful to know that Christy is not here to enjoy their growth, but trying to believe she is watching it all happen and hoping for the best. Perhaps she is hoping we will do our best to deal with her loss.I miss you Christy and love you so 'mush'

Katie