Yesterday, it was a year since Christy's death. I knew the date was coming, and of course I have been moody and emotional, but I think today is worse. I know she died on January 3rd, but it was January 4th that I received the bad news. Like Shelly mentioned, I sort of was in a daze when Katie told me. Actually, I couldn't believe it. Then I cursed the car she drove (long story). It didn't seem real, until I walked outside to tell AJ. Then it hit me.

Still, it doesn't seem real in so many ways. When I think of Christy, specifically, I am happy inside. I can't help it - it was just one of the wonderful gifts she had - making us all feel giddy and goofy and happy. I guess when I think about Chelsea and Alyssa, and Dale and Alice, and how everyone else must feel, that is when I get very sad. When I think about how she was "taken" from us, then I am sad. It seems like some kind of cosmic mistake. When I visit Christy's grave, I don't usually cry. I say hi, fix her up a bit, more like a caregiver than a grieving friend. When I visited her grave with Katie and Natalie, it was different. I was angry again and her death was real.

I don't mind basking in memories of her and feeling happy. I would rather put a smile on my face thinking about her than face the void of her absence. In truth, this day arrives like every other day, and I know that I have to confront both the beauty of her life, and the pain of her death.